This is an oldie but a Goodie, first written as a note on my Facebook page in 2009. I've learned very little about moderation in the last four years.
I have a little problem with Cadbury Creme Eggs, meaning the kind
of problem that I probably should wear a Chocolate Detector Ankle
Bracelet and have Jenny Craig parked at the end of my driveway ready to
throw me in a van and drive me to an undisclosed diet center if I exceed
one Creme Egg a day.
So one Friday a few weeks back, I got up
and did my usual routine of working out for an hour, showering, getting
around, and coming downstairs for breakfast. Shane doesn't work on
Fridays, so he was a little while behind me, coming down the stairs.
So, I fixed myself a bowl of coffee, half-caf, with skim milk, a little
sugar to take the edge off, and a healthy dollop of Reddi Wip, because
coffee should be fun, after all. And what to eat alongside my big bowl
On the counter, at that moment were: a bowl of Granny Smith apples, BSN Lean Dessert Protein Powder, and...
A four-pack of Cadbury Creme Eggs.
Guess what won? I'll give you a hint. It wasn't the apples, and I didn't whip up a protein shake.
the space of five minutes, I'd devoured three of the four Creme Eggs in
the box on the counter. The only thing that saved that last Creme Egg
in the box was that I'd heard Shane coming down the stairs, and as he's a
dentist, he tends to frown on Creme Eggs and candy in general, but gets
really high'n'mighty when it's eaten for breakfast. So I hurried to
get rid of the colorful foil evidence, and stood there at the kitchen
island, eating the whip off my coffee as nonchalantly as one can with
that much fat and sugar coursing through one's veins that early in the
morning. Shane proceeded to get into the refrigerator, take out some
eggs, and make himself an omelet. He did ask if I wanted one too, and I
told him I'd already eaten.
Fast forward a couple hours, to
Main Street in Wellsville. We've been killing time that morning, waiting
for Rozzie to get finished and dried from her monthly bath at the
vet's. We're not too posh to bathe our own pet, but she has a skin
condition that requires their shampoo and a shot every few weeks, and as
we live about 25 minutes from the vet's and it was one of those many
days in the winter when about a foot of snow dropped out of the sky
overnight, we didn't want to be running back and forth between
Wellsville and home any more than we needed to. So we were trying to
decide where to go to eat. It was too early for lunch, but I said I was
starving, without even thinking.
"You said you already ate breakfast," Shane said.
I had a three-egg omelet," I said, again without thinking. I should
learn to think before I speak, I guess. Because Shane stopped walking
in the middle of the sidewalk, and looked at me funny. I should have
just yelled "anarchy!" and run down the street right then, but I did
"Where'd you get the eggs for your omelet?" he asked.
of the carton in the refrigerator," I said. I was already committed to
the lie and had to follow through now, because they send people to rehab
for things like this.
"The carton I brought home last night?"
"That's the one," I said. "Three eggs, right out of that carton you brought home last night."
Shane shook his head in disbelief and grinned.
then, I bought a magic carton of eggs at Jubilee last night, because
when I opened it up to get eggs for my omelet, all twelve eggs were in
the carton, still."
I knew I'd been caught.
that," I said. "What I really meant to say is that I made myself a
three-egg omelet with the Cadbury Creme Eggs on the counter, and I
didn't so much make an omelet as I just ate them, one right after
another, right out of their wrappers."
"What stopped you from eating the fourth one?" Shane asked.
"I heard you coming down the stairs."
looked a little disgusted, but also amused. No van from Jenny Craig
pulled up to whisk me off, but I noticed in any store we went into that
morning, I was propelled past the Creme Eggs displays, and when we
finally picked up Rozzie and got home, that lonely Creme Egg from that
morning had disappeared.
That wasn't my last tangle with the Creme Egg Monster, though. It's a tough addiction to kick, and there is no 12-step program.
a completely unrelated note, I'm working on losing about ten pounds
that seems to have appeared out of nowhere these last few months, so if
you see me out shopping and I'm in the candy aisle or eyeing the Reese
Cups in the checkout lane, stop me. Use whatever force necessary. I'll
thank you later.