Monday, July 15, 2013


A bunch of us have been posting on Facebook about how our Toddler Units have been really out of sorts lately, and I have a theory. What I think is that much like SkyNet in the Terminator movies, the computer in the sky that controls all our Toddler Units has become self-aware. This computer in the sky looks a lot like an orbiting Toys-R-Us. I saw it in a dream that woke me up in the most chilling of night-sweats. Anyway, ToyNet has become self-aware, and we should all pretty much prepare for the Toddler Apocalypse.

I believe this is what the makers of the Terminator movies were getting at, anyway, but they had to sub in scary cyborgs for toddlers, because people who don't have them (meaning the people who go to theaters with a box office $$$) wouldn't think that a mostly cute little mini-person could be so terrifying. Until. You're in a restaurant that's kid-friendly enough, but still nicer than Crapplebees, or maybe it IS Crapplebees you're in, and you still don't like to be embarrassed, and the Toddler Unit decides she frakkin' HATES mac-n-cheese this five minutes! Or you're in a car on a long trip, and traffic's stopped and you hear the siren call of... the tiny human in the back of the vehicle, and damned if you opted out of that little shield that rolls up or down like in a limo, and it's too late now, because that tiny human has excellent lungs and you've lost twenty percent of your hearing on this damn trip! Or, the Toddler Unit's walking, and she wants to be "UP!" so you pick her up and she wants to walk, or she's riding in her stroller, and she wants to either walk or be carried, and then you change her traveling mode and she FIGHTS you!

 OR it's naptime, and the toddler asserts "ain't nobody got time for that!"

Scary stuff all up in there. And where's John Connor, the one who'll save us all? That was Hollywood, Babies. They had to give us a hero so everything would turn out okay. The real John Connor has been captured by the Toddlinators and is in a Lego Prison in some daycare in Peoria, rendered mindless from lack of sleep and stench of dirty diapers. He can't hear our cries of "Save us, John Connor!" because the Toddlinators filled his ears with Silly String and have "It's a Small World" on continuous loop in his tiny cell.

Or it could just be the hot weather really makes little kids cranky. I don't know. I'm still pretty new at this parenting thing.