Thursday, June 11, 2020

Let It Go

I'm not sure who I'll be without the extra weight I carry, but I can't wait to meet me.
Friends, there has been something that has hung over me for decades and made me feel as though sometimes I'm treading water with a big heavy backpack on my back and another person standing on my shoulders.  I work so hard to keep my head above the water, and I think I do a pretty good job.  Sometimes I can even forget about the heavy backpack or the shoulder-stander.  But I still carry them with me.  I have, for all this time, after all.

It's almost like they're a part of me.

The thing is, I think this isn't mine to carry around any more, and I don't want to.  My therapist and I are going to be working on helping me release all this heavy stuff, this darkness.  It's going to mean I spend some time in some uncomfortable feelings. I have a plan for journaling through them.  I will be practicing self-care as I go through this journey.

I am hopeful.  But I'm also a little scared.  Nervous.  Carrying this extra weight around in my heart and my mind has been part of who I am for so long that I don't know who I'll be without it.  As awful as it sounds, I've gotten a little bit comfortable with it.  What happens when it's all peeled away?

I have certainly carried it around for longer than I should have, longer than I needed to, and it's time to let it go.  I'm going to spend time in some messy feelings and hit some rocky spots, and at the end of all this, when it's just a story I tell, I will have grown into someone better.  So.  Here's to it, Friends.

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