Just Breathe

Close your eyes, open your heart-center, and Just Breathe.

Friends, I've been Quite Heavy this last little stretch of time.  I've had periods of breaking down and crying (fairly hysterically) over the last few days.  I had a panic attack on Easter Sunday.  A full-on "I think I might be dying" panic attack.  So naturally, I went and lay down and figured I'd try closing my eyes for a bit and if I felt not panicky when I woke up, then it was a panic attack.  If I woke up and was dead, I'd know I miscalculated.  I'm still here, so evidently, it was a panic attack!  Yay me!

Yesterday started out Pretty Rough, too.  I was feeling smothered and listless, and it was hard to focus on tasks at hand.  I broke down in tears hearing the voices of my school's superintendent, business manager, and confidential secretary when they called for my votes for our school board phone-meeting.  It was very embarrassing for me, even though they were completely compassionate about it.  I mean, I'm not sure a school board member has ever broken down in tears because they were missing in-person school-board meetings, but these are strange times we live in right now. 

And if anybody's going to get Emotional, it's gonna be me.

Later in the day, a good friend of mine called my cell phone.  I was never much of a phone-talker Before All This.  But like social media, the phone has become something of a lifeline for getting me out of my own damn head.  The conversation was enough to bring me back to enough self-awareness to notice the cold, heavy lump in the middle of my chest.  It felt like I had a brick sitting right on my heart.  A cold, stony, kind of rough brick.  I was walking up the driveway from checking the mail, and realized that I was winded from the walk.

Then I noticed what my shoulders were doing.  They were hunched forward.  My ribcage was collapsed in on itself.  The muscles between my shoulderblades felt sharp-tight, and the muscles across my chest felt even tighter.  I realized I wasn't getting good breaths.  How could I, when I was carrying myself as though I had a heavy, heavy backpack strapped to my back? 

In a way, I did.  I've been carrying a lot of heavy, heavy baggage on myself the last little stretch.  Hence the heavy feeling and the heavy posts. 

So when I got back into the house, I sat down on the floor and pressed my back against the wall, to lift my ribcage off itself, so my breastbone could allow some room between the brick in my chest and my heart. 

Right away, I felt a little better. 

I sat up straighter on the floor, criss-cross applesauce (the position formerly known as Indian-Style).  I lifted my breastbone up off my belly button.  I rolled my shoulders up back and down, so my shoulder blades felt planted securely in place.  I raised my chin a bit, so if my daughter would have wanted to, she could have fit a grapefruit between my chin and my neck (but she wouldn't, because... weird!)  And I closed my eyes, and took a good, deep breath through my nose....

I'd like to stop right here and say don't take being able to breathe through your nose for granted, Friends.  Even this year, when we're all hyperfocused on CV-19, there is still the Common Cold and Allergy Season we're going to have to contend with, so if you're still breathing through your nose, you treasure every breath you can take through those nostrils, Babies. 

...Then I let that good, deep breath back out, right through the same nose I took it in with!  And I did it a few more times, each breath melting the cold brick that was against my heart, taking up precious room in my chest.

I'm not 100%.  I still feel like my mind could send my heart and lungs into a tailspin that leaves me gasping for air, even today.  But slowing down to pay attention to how I was breathing Helped. 

If you ever find yourself in the middle of a freak-out, Friends, could I suggest that you also straighten your spine, open up your heart-center by rolling your shoulders up, back, and down so that the blades fall into their places, and let your breath expand your ribcage?  It will not cure all your troubles, but in those few moments, it'll help you get a grip on whatever you've lost a grip on.  You'll be able to think more clearly.  Maybe things won't seem quite so dire for a little bit. 

All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the next.  One step at a time.  One breath at a time.