Space and Grace

If moods sat for portraits...

Hi there, Friends!  I know this is a roller coaster ride with me lately.  One day I'm Up, the next I'm using my sleeves as cryin' towels.  I know I'm not alone right now.  I know I was never alone in this.  I just think right now we're all in the same kind of head-space, so let's talk about this, can we?

I'll tell you what really Triggered me right now.  Yesterday, the news came down that schools have been shut down for the rest of the school year in Pennsylvania.  I've seen people I love lashing out at other people I love, which, when people are hurt, scared, or stressed, happens.  Things that would normally be brushed right off without a second thought are sticking and festering and boiling over.

And I'm in the middle of some Fairly Heavy Stuff myself that I'm not ready or willing or able to talk about just yet.  I'm not "Vaguebooking," but I want to give you more of a complete snapshot of the place I'm writing from.  I guess you could say that even sparkly, smart-assy girls can get the dark blues.

The thing I've tried hard not to do is barf my pain all over someone else who had nothing to do with creating it.  I haven't been perfect.  For weeks, I've been haunted by a comment that a friend of mine wrote on a post I put on Facebook pertaining to the shut-downs.  In the heat of the moment, when my body chemistry was in fight-flight-or-freeze mode, I chose "fight," and fired back the bitchiest response my Twinkie-fingers could tap out on my iPhone.  I was barfing my pain all over this person, and thing of it was, that person is in a COVID epicenter.  They're scared and uncertain, too.  And as I've gone back and re-read my bitchy responses, I am so embarrassed and disappointed in myself.

Please don't think I'm preaching here, especially since given my recent track record, it could come off as A Wee Bit Hypocritical (meaning Hypocritical AF).  But if I can use some lessons I've learned The Hard Way to help someone else from adding regret and self-shame to their feelings of sadness and anxiety that these times bring out in all of us, then I want to help.

Please hear my heart.

First, know that in times like these, when there is stress and uncertainty and more questions than answers, of COURSE we're going to feel sadness and sorrow.  Of COURSE we're going to be mourning the way things used to be.  These feelings are natural.  We all experience them.  Our relationships with these feelings are as unique as each one fo us are.

Please don't add to your own stress, strife, and sorrow by being ashamed of feeling some type of way other than buoyant and optimistic.  Please don't look at someone else and they way they're seemingly sailing through all of this with a smile.  Maybe they truly are.  Maybe they process all of this faster or differently than you do.  Maybe they're stuffing any feelings they do have about all this deep down, from where it could bubble up later.  Or honestly, some of us have gotten to be very adept at putting on the glossy smile to hide the storm within.

I think I might have a blackbelt in this.  Or at least some kind of advanced training.  And trust me when I tell you it's not really a picnic.  There's always a resettling of the energy.  There's a snap-back.  The facade does eventually crack and there are tears, either in a closet, or in the gym or Jeep or shower.

So don't compare the way you might be dealing with things in this moment with the way anyone else is, be they a friend, relative, or your worst damn enemy.  We're all hard-wired to handle things differently, each in our own times.

And what I've learned from years of naming feelings "Good" and "Bad" and stuffing the "Bad" and projecting the "Good" is that the "Bad" feelings behave a lot better when I acknowledge them.  When I try to ignore them, they just get bigger and more pernicious, like an attention-seeking jerkface sitting behind me, poking me in the back of the head with a pencil until I flip out and knock them out of their chair.  If I just acknowledge the "Bad" feeling, like this present Sorrow, kind of look at it and say "I see you.  I feel sad, but this isn't going to last forever," I start to feel a little lighter right away.

It helps even more to rip off the "Good" and "Bad" labels from these emotions, as well.  They're just emotions.  They're not Good or Bad.  They just Are.  Acknowledge them and let them be.

Here's the other part.  Even though we're socially distancing, through social media, we're really not isolated.  If we choose to log on, we're going to encounter Other People.  And those Other People could be somewhere other than where you are on their rollercoaster ride through the emotions that our current events tend to elicit in us.  So they might make comments or post things that could Trigger you.  You might want to nuke them in a comment.

Before you do, press Pause.

Try to flex your Grace muscles.

Ask yourself if the satisfaction you'll get in the moment from nuking them with your words would be worth it if it blows up the friendship.  Ask yourself if any of this is going to matter in five minutes, five hours, five days, five months, or five years, and be honest with yourself.  If it isn't going to matter in five hours, or certainly five days or longer out, perhaps stay thy hand and don't do any nuking.  Go do something else for a little bit to de-triggerfy yourself.

Also ask yourself if you were seeing this person in person, would you say what you want to type?  That's the thing about social media that can either be fab or awful.  Being behind a keyboard instead of being face-to-face tends to give us permission to say things we wouldn't say if we were in person, and quite often, those things tend toward the abusive.  So if you're thinking of firing off something in the comments that you would not say if you were looking the other person in the eye, don't type that comment.  That's how drama gets started, and that's what gives social media a bad name.  Remove yourself from the forest for a bit before a fire starts.

And ask yourself what else is going on for you?  What else are you really ruminating on?  When we snap all over someone else's posts, or when we snap in person, it's rarely, if ever, about the thing that triggered us.  Dig a little deeper.  Be honest with yourself. Is it a "them" problem, or is there something YOU need to address within yourself?  Are you carrying something around that needs hung up, and this person is a convenient hook to hang it on? 

At some level, if you're in the place to recognize this, understand that maybe in this moment, if you can keep your wits about you and not go nuclear on someone's post or be triggered by someone's comment, you're the stronger person emotionally right now.  That can change.  Next time, it may be you in need of some space and grace from someone else.

We're all in this storm, but the way we process it, the way we deal with it, and the severity of storm we're experiencing varies from person to person, and within each of us, that all changes with the hour or with new information.  Hearing that school's out forever kind of pushed me over the edge the other day.  For another person, it could be having to sit at home another day.

We all could use some space, grace, kindness, and love right now, Friends.  From ourselves and from each other.

Deep breaths, Everybody!  Big Hugs!