And I've learned that I kind of have a brand- "Enter Sandman" by Metallica gets mentioned in the same breath as my name quite often, both while playing this Facebook game, and in real life. It's my anthem. "Bohemian Rhapsody" is another one people hear and think of me. Maybe my personal brand is flamboyantly dark? Maybe darkly flamboyant? Either way, I'll take it!
It's a lot of fun to hear how other people think of you, isn't it? But I've also been working kind of intensely lately on how I think of myself, and putting together a personal soundtrack is kind of a fun exercise in summing up who I am, in this moment. Maybe you'd want to give it a spin, too, after you read mine. We've all got lots of time on our hands these days, and if I can make writers out of all my readers, don't you know I'd be grinning from ear to ear!
So, taking "Enter Sandman," "Bohemian Rhapsody," and "Free Bird" off my soundtrack because they're constants on my 'track, here's the soundtrack of April Blake, Citizen of this Strange World, right in this moment.
Run That Race (from Cars 3) - Dan Auerbach
Yeah, it comes from a kid's movie about cars that talk and have existential crises, but here's the deal. I first heard it when we took our daughter to the cinema to see Cars 3 in the summer of 2017- right before she went to kindergarten. I was on the brink of turning 39 (how precious!) The words hit me right between the eyes. It's about wondering if it's time to hang things up. Fearing the outstretched hands of time. "I feel discouraged and I doubt myself, but you know you can't blame it on nobody else..."
I'll invoke my pal Ho Lee Schitt here. I'll tell you what, Babies. That is exactly where I was living as I could see my daughter growing away from me and into the person she needs to be. Obsolescence was creeping in around the corners. I was fearing the outstretched hands of time. And then the song does a 180, and the narrator decides he isn't too old. He shakes the outstretched hands of time, embraces having some miles on his tires and runs the race his way, his speed.
And THAT got me, too! Right there in the cinema! I had that whole soundtrack ordered before we even got home that night. That song speaks to the way I was mourning not being So Young anymore. I was feeling obsolete and lost and not myself. I was noticing a few lines around my eyes. I had to accept that my tires have some miles on 'em. And you know? That's okay. These tires are just getting broken in, and they've got lots of miles left to go.
"I'm finally livin' for myself again" and it might not set well with everybody, but everybody isn't running my race.
You Want It Darker - Leonard Cohen
This is not a favorite of the people who live in my house, but the first time I heard this song, it blew my doors off, and I take every opportunity I can to listen to it. It is dark and haunting. It is an overt exploration of the religious mind, but as is the case with all art, the person who experiences it interprets it and applies it to themselves in their own way.
You have to give it a listen for yourself, but the words that strike me about this song are
"If you are the dealer, I'm out of the game
If you are the healer, it means I'm broken and lame
If thine be the glory, then mine must be the shame
You want it darker
We kill the flame"
I don't like to look at life as a zero-sum game, but the older I get, the more I realize that with some people, you just don't mutually bring out the good in one another. You might not necessarily mean to do each other harm on purpose, but you certainly can't or won't heal the damage that's been done. Some situations, the deck's stacked against you for what ever reason, and you cannot win. There is no judgment or bitterness in me when I say this; it just is what it is. And instead of flailing against fate, sometimes you just have to accept there's no way out of this but out, and put up your hands and leave the game, whatever game that may be.
And despite the inherent darkness in the themes of this song, I never think darkness is completely a bad thing. We do our best sleeping in the dark, and we repair ourselves and dream. You cannot appreciate the light without the dark. So this song can be heard as bleak and dark, or you can choose to know that you have to embrace the dark in order to truly get the light.
This Is Me (From The Greatest Showman) - Keala Settle
In the movie, the Bearded Lady sings this song. It is her song, but it also belongs to all the other "circus freaks" in PT Barnum's curiosity show. They do not fit in to the norm. They have taken their lumps for being different. They have been through fire. And yet, here they are. Strong, and with their heads high. They don't wither because they're weird. They run with it!
I've felt like a weirdo my whole life. I see the world a thousand different ways in one glance. I want to learn everything, everything while I'm here. I was the kid who'd start out looking something up in an encyclopedia or dictionary for school, and hours later, still not have my work done because Serendipity grabbed me by the hand and took me down a rabbit hole where I'd read the reference book like it was the latest Sweet Valley High. I never fit into any one particular group in school- I wasn't a jock or a cool kid or a popular kid or a vo-tech kid or an ag kid. But I got along with them all. I loved them all. The friends I was closest to were a little quirky and off-beat themselves. We were bruised, and brave, even if we didn't know it at the time.
And as an adult, I don't conform any more readily than I did as a kid. I don't fit into any one Grown-Up Social Group, but I can move among them all with the same ease, and more comfort, than I did as a school-kid. I still slip down reference-book rabbit holes and lose hours in learning. My idea of fun is not a crowded bar or concert or party, at all. You'll most likely find me distractedly staring up at the stars or the clouds or divining some knowledge from the crags on the trunk of a tree.
Plus, I'm short with red hair, which in some circles is enough of an aberration to make me an outcast. There are people who Really Hate Redheads, for whatever reason, and if my hair already sets them on edge, they're going to find my oddness a little unsettling and off-putting. And that's okay.
This is me.
September - Earth Wind and Fire
September is my favorite month, and the exuberance of this song is like wind right in my sails. I don't think much more needs to be said about it than that!
Fall on Me - Andrea Bocelli and Matteo Bocelli
I think of my daughter when I hear this song. She's eight. But she's growing up so fast. Even if I don't tell her with words every day, in my heart, I look at her and think,
Believe in yourself, every step that you take.
Know I am smiling with pride every day.
My love will forever be stronger than stone,
So don't be afraid- you are never alone
Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us, but I want her to know that I will always be her soft spot to land while I am here, and if I ever am not, I will always be with her. I will always be so proud of her. I will always be her light in the dark, wherever I am, wherever she is.
With or Without You - U2
T.N.T. - AC/DC
Watch me explode!
Get Back Up Again (From Trolls) - Anna Kendrick
Lately, I'm pretty sure this is my life's anthem. If you knock-knock me over, knock-knock me over, I... will... get back up... again!
The Show Must Go On - Queen
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile... still...stays...on
There's so much that's uncertain right now. There has been so much that's uncertain. Globally. Personally. But every day I get up and do my hair and makeup, even in Sparkling Isolation, and I will smile, smile, smile through it all, even if the black ink I draw around my eyes has run and I'm peering at the world through dark, dark glasses.
The show must go on.
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
Despite my darkness and oddness and tears, I really believe that in the end, I'm an aggressive optimist. I try to find the glimmers of silver linings. Sometimes I have to be Dramatic first, but I believe that my best days are ahead of me. I believe collectively that OUR best days are ahead of us! And I will not stop believin' that!
So there's my soundtrack for my life, right now at this moment. At least the first disk. I could go on and on and on here. But you get the idea. I really think you ought to put together YOUR soundtrack for your life at this moment.
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