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| Zoe rides away on a train to Grownupsville while the Neighborhood kids and I wave from the platform. |
To get the full effect, you need to hear the song for yourself. It's pretty great. https://pbskids.org/video/daniel-tigers-neighborhood/2365903183 In fact, sometimes when I feel so mad that I wanna roar, I take a deep breath and count to four.
She was having a bad day... a BAD day, the latest in a chain of bad days. I'd had Enough of the storminess that I was seeing, without taking into account the factors that caused the clouds to gather for her in the first place. I hoped that that little ditty from "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" would snap her out of it and that she'd join in and count to four by the end of the song, like she used to when she was younger.
Lightning snapped in Zoe's dark eyes.
"STOP IT!" she shouted. "I don't like Daniel Tiger! That's a stupid show for BABIES, and I AM NOT A BABY!!!"
And she stopped me in my tracks, because she was right about the part where she's not a baby. Still.
"Oh, Honey, no," I said, as though she'd just said she wished someone dead. "No, don't talk like that. You don't mean it!"
She meant it in the moment and we both stormed off. I sank down in my chair and thought about all the good times we'd had, learning all the lessons Daniel Tiger and his friends had to teach- when something seems bad, turn it around and find something good; when you're feeling frustrated, take a step back and ask for help; when you're sick, rest is best...rest is best; sayin' 'I'm Sorry' is the first step: then 'how can I help?'. I think I always loved Daniel Tiger because it reminded me of my soft spot where I'd land growing up- Mister Roger's Neighborhood. (It's a spin-off.) Zoe loved Daniel Tiger even more than I did, because it's Mister Rogers, but with bright colors and animation and catchy tunes that speak to her generation.
So as I sat there singing "It's okay to feel sad sometimes... little by little, you'll feel better again!" (From the ep where Daniel and his friends have to take the baby duck they hatched back to the farm), a less-stormy Zoe climbed over me and curled up next to me in my chair.
"Mommy, I'm sorry I was so mean a few minutes ago," she said. "I've been havin' a bad day all week."
"I know, sweetie."
"I like Daniel Tiger," she continued. "It's just... I've grown up, and he's still the same."
"Believe me, I know," I said.
For days afterward, when I was alone in the house and it was all peaceful and I had nothing but my won thoughts to keep me company, I shed lots of tears over that whole exchange. Not Stormy Zoe. I can handle that. It's the "I've grown up, and he's still the same." And while I'm not quite as "the same" as Daniel Tiger is, I haven't changed as much as Zoe has since we had started watching Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood together. I have the unshakeable feeling that Zoe's on a train on her way to Growing Up, and there I stand on the platform with Daniel Tiger and Miss Elaina and Oh the Owl and Katerina Kitty-Cat and Prince Wednesday, and we all have happy tears streaming from one eye, because we're so happy Zoe's growing up so well, but bitter tears pour from the other eye, because there we stand, left behind as Zoe speeds into her Future.
I've been wishing that Daniel Tiger's mom had a song for this particular feeling, to be honest.
"STOP IT!" she shouted. "I don't like Daniel Tiger! That's a stupid show for BABIES, and I AM NOT A BABY!!!"
And she stopped me in my tracks, because she was right about the part where she's not a baby. Still.
"Oh, Honey, no," I said, as though she'd just said she wished someone dead. "No, don't talk like that. You don't mean it!"
She meant it in the moment and we both stormed off. I sank down in my chair and thought about all the good times we'd had, learning all the lessons Daniel Tiger and his friends had to teach- when something seems bad, turn it around and find something good; when you're feeling frustrated, take a step back and ask for help; when you're sick, rest is best...rest is best; sayin' 'I'm Sorry' is the first step: then 'how can I help?'. I think I always loved Daniel Tiger because it reminded me of my soft spot where I'd land growing up- Mister Roger's Neighborhood. (It's a spin-off.) Zoe loved Daniel Tiger even more than I did, because it's Mister Rogers, but with bright colors and animation and catchy tunes that speak to her generation.
So as I sat there singing "It's okay to feel sad sometimes... little by little, you'll feel better again!" (From the ep where Daniel and his friends have to take the baby duck they hatched back to the farm), a less-stormy Zoe climbed over me and curled up next to me in my chair.
"Mommy, I'm sorry I was so mean a few minutes ago," she said. "I've been havin' a bad day all week."
"I know, sweetie."
"I like Daniel Tiger," she continued. "It's just... I've grown up, and he's still the same."
"Believe me, I know," I said.
For days afterward, when I was alone in the house and it was all peaceful and I had nothing but my won thoughts to keep me company, I shed lots of tears over that whole exchange. Not Stormy Zoe. I can handle that. It's the "I've grown up, and he's still the same." And while I'm not quite as "the same" as Daniel Tiger is, I haven't changed as much as Zoe has since we had started watching Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood together. I have the unshakeable feeling that Zoe's on a train on her way to Growing Up, and there I stand on the platform with Daniel Tiger and Miss Elaina and Oh the Owl and Katerina Kitty-Cat and Prince Wednesday, and we all have happy tears streaming from one eye, because we're so happy Zoe's growing up so well, but bitter tears pour from the other eye, because there we stand, left behind as Zoe speeds into her Future.
I've been wishing that Daniel Tiger's mom had a song for this particular feeling, to be honest.
But I did some art therapy, which I included at the top of this post. It's a silly little picture I drew, of a Very Grown Up Zo on a train, heading off to wherever she's going to be a grown-up. She's changed a lot in my drawing (especially because I'm not a super-rad draw-er, especially when it comes to rendering future versions of a face I want so desperately to Just Stay This Way for a While Longer). And there the kids from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and I are, on the platform, just the same as we were when Zoe was a year and a half old, and when she was four, and when she went to kindergarten, and maybe when she goes to high school (I plan to gracefully fight aging, by gum). We're waving "see ya later" through sad smiles and tears.
I showed the picture to Zoe when she got home from school the day I made it. At first, she thought it was pretty neat. Then she asked why I was standing on the platform and why I wasn't on the train with her, and I told her that as she grows up, she's going to have to go some places on her own, without me, because I've already been through there, and I can't go back. But I will always love her, and I'll meet her at whichever platform I can when she comes to her stops.
She looked a little sad and reflective, hearing that. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and sat with me the whole evening. She pulled me back from the brink of feeling obsolete in the moment. She needs me right now. And I'll always need her.
As far as this is concerned, this Sparkling Isolation and the ensuing school closure doesn't strike me so bad. I get to have Zoe Home with Me. She's a pretty easy kid to deal with.
What isn't very easy to deal with when I'm in a certain mood, is watching her grow up right before my eyes. But I'm darn proud of the person she is and the person she's growing into being!
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